


it looks ugly, but it’s clean

by cinnamonstickrayofsunlight



Category: We Are The Tigers - Allen
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonstickrayofsunlight/pseuds/cinnamonstickrayofsunlight
Summary: a little look into eva’s life
Relationships: Kate/Eva Sanchez (We Are The Tigers)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	it looks ugly, but it’s clean

**Author's Note:**

> hi thanks for clicking!! major tw for ab*se and grief, so please don’t read if that will negatively affect you!!

eva sanchez is four when she realizes there’s something wrong. her mom and dad get loud and angry sometimes, but elena hugs her, and leo shuts the door, so it’s okay. one day, her parents sit her and her siblings down, after telling them there’s a surprise, she’s getting another sibling. she wants a little sister.

eva sanchez is five when she realizes why her parents tell her every day to be a hard worker, to be the best. she likes being the smartest in the purple math group, and she tells her parents. from then on, eva promises to work her hardest on everything, no matter what.

“if i’m not the best, then why should i do it?” she asks one day at dinner when her parents are talking about sports for her to try.

“it’s like school, you work the hardest to be the best,” they say.

she makes all of the baskets on her basketball team but doesn’t like it. she scores all the goals on her soccer team, but she doesn’t like it. when she’s shown into the building for gymnastics, she decides she likes it.

eva sanchez is six when her parents buy her a keyboard, and tell her that on tuesday, she’s meeting with her music teacher for piano lessons. eva is confused, but she decides to stick it out because pianos can make pretty music.

eva sanchez is seven when her mom breaks down crying in front of her. she knows her dad leaves sometimes, and it makes her mom sad, but she didn’t know about everything. her mom tells her everything, and then falls asleep, so leo microwaves dinner for the four of them, and helps them all go to bed.

eva sanchez is eight when she and elena take a test for the special, smart kid classes. elena doesn’t make it, but she tells her parents it’s okay because elena is the one who plays the cool sports. her parents get angry, call her ungrateful for her opportunities at gymnastics, tell her they’re disappointed that she hates it. 

she’s confused, she never said she hates gymnastics, but she wanted to say something to make elena feel better. they move on to discussing elena, because her parents are angry that she’s failing. this also confuses eva, because elena is the second smartest, but tests make her feel sick. when she says this, her mom shoves her into the wall, her back hurts, but she’ll be okay.

eva sanchez is nine when her parents tell her they’re having another baby. she secretly thinks they shouldn’t because she doesn’t think they’re very good at taking care of kids. maya, who hasn’t learned better, runs to tell their parents, one swing and eva’s stomach hurts now, but her siblings are okay, and that’s what matters.

eva sanchez is ten when her music teacher emails her parents, saying that eva should try voice lessons alongside her piano lessons. she feels happy, and her parents sound proud of her for working hard, but it costs too much money. 

she gets early to school on wednesdays, telling her parents that she’s helping her teachers out when really, her music teacher is helping her with singing. she starts singing at home, but a slap across her face discourages it. eva still sings, but quieter, so her parents don’t hear.

eva sanchez is eleven when she realizes that her friend piper is pretty. like, really pretty. she decides that she wants piper to be her friend, her best friend, her best best best friend. eva tells her parents that while she makes dinner, and her dad makes a face that she doesn’t understand.

eva sanchez is twelve years old when she sees the big, colorful poster for her middle school’s gsa. her brain gets stuck on it, the image rotating in her head all day. when she gets home, she uses her mom’s computer to look up what a gsa is.

eva spends all night looking at the words and the definitions of them, and she decides that she’s going to be a good ally. she joins that club, among others, and quickly realizes it’s her favorite. 

eva sanchez is thirteen when she comes out to her family. neither of her parents are surprised, elena already sort of knew, and leo has more important things to care about. she’s secretly glad she doesn’t get hurt.

eva sanchez is fourteen when she allows herself to feel overwhelmed. leo is at college, her dad is gone most of the time, her mom is always asleep or crying somewhere, and she feels like she’s juggling all of her clubs, and schoolwork, and sports, and family. she decides that there’s no time for that, and keeps going.

eva sanchez is fifteen when her highschool acknowledges her as their best flyer, goes to her first party, and meets a girl named audrey, all in one day. audrey is pretty, she gets distracted, and soon she’s asking audrey to drive her home so that she can make her little sister’s dinner. she gets kissed goodbye and thinks she’s falling in love.

when eva sanchez is sixteen, audrey breaks up with her. but she understands why. eva spends almost all of her time busy: working, taking care of her siblings, doing schoolwork, cheering. she doesn’t have time for people anymore.

eva sanchez is sixteen when her mom says she’s having another baby. eva is unhappy, she can’t raise another child. she ignores her better judgment, and states her mind,

“what did dad buy you this time?” she says.

when her mom registers her comment she hears a noise, she falls backward, and she wakes up in her room with an aching arm.

she ignores it, moves on with her week as if it never happened, knowing she’ll get in even worse trouble if she has to go to the doctor. but she’s in pain, and spends her seventeenth birthday in the hospital for “tripping and breaking her wrist,”

eva has to pay the hospital bills herself, and her parents are angry for telling someone about it, but when she brings up how it would get in the way of cheer, they’re silent.

eva sanchez is seventeen when she walks into the site of murder for a sleepover. she’s seventeen when she meets a girl with dark hair and a sarcastic smile that introduces herself as kate.

at that sleepover, the girl who got her on the team and to the school stabs kate, but eva records it all, and her video ends the investigation.

eva sanchez is eighteen when she spends her birthday surrounded by people she actually considers friends and one person who means even more. she isn’t at home all day, and it’s the freest she’s ever felt.

she’s eighteen when she and kate fight for the first time. kate is frustrated, and she yells. eva instinctually shrinks back, shields herself with her arms, and her girlfriend softens. kate holds her while she breaks down. when she’s ready to talk again, they talk through their fight together. eva sanchez is eighteen when she realizes that she’s not her parents, and can build her own healthy relationships.

eva sanchez is nineteen when she thinks that she’s adjusted to living away from “home”. she’s studying and pursuing her passion, but she worries, and worries, and worries. kate calls her twice a week, once to talk about her week, once for updates about eva’s siblings. 

she comes home for the holidays, but only ends up staying at her house for less than a day. eva tries to absorb all of the anger directed towards her siblings, and she leaves covered in bruises. she goes back to her hotel room and spends the rest of the day watching tv. kate visits her, and they talk about everything. she leaves to go back to her dorm both happy and unhappy.

eva sanchez is twenty when she gets a call from her younger sister from her dad’s phone. her mom is gone. off this earth. no longer here. she gives the necessary, calm responses, and starts packing a backpack. she says something to answer a roommate’s question, and leaves on the next train out.

kate calls her when eva’s walking onto her campus, she says she’ll call her back, and knocks on her door. eva stands there, waiting, and notices that it took a death in her family for her to even go to kate in the first place. kate opens the door, and eva realizes that she’s on the ground, crying and laughing.

kate helps her stand up, sits her down on her bed, and lets her lay there. she stays there until the morning without saying anything. she’s missing a class during the second week of the school year, but that doesn’t matter right now. kate quietly asks her if she’s going back for the funeral, and if she’d like to go to grief counseling, and eva says yes to them both.

eva sanchez is barely twenty one when she’s singing at her mother’s funeral. she hasn’t decided yet how she feels about this, or the passing itself. kate tells her it’s understandable to feel conflicted, because a person who was present in your life is gone, she says it’s okay to have a little sigh of relief one day, and cry another. 

eva sanchez is twenty one and struggling, but she knows the people around her will help her back up.

eva sanchez is twenty two when she graduates from her undergrad school. she’s knee deep in debt, but she knows this is the beginning of something new, and possibly wonderful. kate squeezes her hand, and they move forward together.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, this fic was a little different from my other ones, but i still felt like posting it
> 
> feel free to follow me @cinnamonstickrayofsunlight on tumblr!


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